I think I have sideman’s fever. I’m tired of playing in other people’s musical groups and working hard to do what they want. I want to be in charge of some music that’s MINE, based on my thinking and my creativity.

And I’m having a bit of a musical identity crisis. I teach piano and guitar lessons, I practice and play trombone at jam sessions and in a big band, I’m occasionally playing drumset at my boss’ church, and at work I pretend to play all the instruments- and it’s all fun!

At this point, the main ways I can think of to be creative and in charge are to:

- lead a combo playing trombone
- lead a combo playing piano
- sing my vocal songs alone at the piano
- compose music for local independent filmmakers

The last one sounds a little too much like going to work after work, so I think I won’t worry about it right now. But the other three seem equally exciting and ambitious. I could do any of them if I worked at it, practiced, etc.

Any one of these would probably require me giving up the others. Being in charge of something takes more time and energy than just being a sideman. And I want time to relax and cook and be social, after all. I’m excited about playing trombone, and piano, and singing my songs, and don’t want to give up any of them. But as long as I try to do everything, I don’t seem to have time to do anything. So I have to pick one. I’ve spent a million hours writing, thinking and talking about this choice, and I STILL CAN’T DECIDE.

I’ve been stressing about this off and on since I moved, but part of the reason it’s up now is that I just took a weekly trio gig at a Vietnamese restaurant in Tempe. I’ll be playing piano, with my friend Nick Watts on drums and the amazing Harald Weinkum on bass. It was offered to me, it paid okay, and I was excited to be leading something, so I took it. But now I’m thinking- does this mean I’m about to give up trombone, just when I’m playing so beautifully? Does this mean I’m never going to be the singer/songwriter I imagined being? Why can’t I make a decision about this part of my life?

If any of you reading have any ideas, perspective, or advice for me, please let me know!